This is 39: What's in, what's out and why I'm NOT having an affair on this milestone birthday.

Today is my 39th birthday. Which, on the surface, feels like a pretty uneventful number compared to the big 4-0 waiting for me next year. Or so I thought.

Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash

It turns out that birthdays ending in 9 (29, 39, 49, etc.) are actually a thing. According to a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, these “9-ender” years are statistically more likely to spark deep self-reflection and big life decisions. We “9-enders,” as they’ve dubbed us, are more likely to seek extramarital affairs, run marathons, and even commit suicide compared to those whose ages end in other digits.

It’s not that these events don’t happen at other points in life, but statistically, they peak during these transitional years. Why? Because these “bridge years,” sitting between the end and the beginning of a decade, have a way of pulling us into reflection. They make us step back, take stock of getting older, and evaluate what matters most. They whisper (or shout):

“What in the actual f are you doing with your life?”

And then, if you’re anything like me, follow up with:

“Is this what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

The truth is, I ask myself those questions constantly. As if I wasn’t already a deeply pensive human by nature, becoming a therapist has only turned up the dial on my self-reflection. Most days, it feels like I’m perpetually turning 29, 39, or 49—either navigating my own existential crises or helping someone else through theirs. It’s like that meme:

Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: Huh. Sometimes I wonder if any of us are really here.

Ok, ok, I’m kidding. But not really.

So, no, 39 is not the year I have an affair or a mid-life-ish meltdown. That chapter came a few years ago when my marriage fell apart. Ironically, it was due to an affair (not mine). I don’t remember if my ex-husband was turning 49 that year, but if the stats are anything to go by…well.

But since I’m not planning on running a marathon either, what’s in store for this year?

Well, I’m getting bangs (which I will most likely/100% regret), and I’m writing a book about that affair.

This book is about how I fell apart, how I needed to, and how, in doing so, I reclaimed myself. It’s about the well-intentioned self-deceptions that keep us stuck and small. It’s about how we lie to ourselves—about our relationships, careers, and desires—and how facing those uncomfortable truths can set us free. It’s about honoring your one wild and precious life, authentically.

This book is for me. It’s for you. It’s for all of us.

And here’s the part that still makes little Maria—the nerdy girl at the Scholastic Book Fair in 1996—squeal with joy: I’ve been offered a book deal with Penguin Life. Yes, THE Penguin.

It’s surreal to think that the girl who used to lose herself in library books, dreaming about the worlds inside those pages, is now writing a book of her own.

I guess the research was right: big life things are happening this year.

So, as a soon-to-be “9-ender,” here’s my own take on the “what’s in/what’s out” trend. These are the places I’ll be putting my energy over the next 12 months:

What’s In:

• Do Not Disturb mode on my phone (Less distractions)

• Creating community on Substack (Intentionally connecting with you!)

• Indoor rock climbing (Movement that’s about joy, not weight loss)

• Perimenopause wisdom (The mind fog is real, y’all)

• Clothing swap parties (Free 99 and eco-friendly)

• Yuka App (Hunting for toxic chemicals—but staying balanced)

• The “Let Them” principle (Thanks, Mel Robbins)

• Bangs (Regret is temporary, growth is inevitable—praying it applies to haircuts too)

What’s Out:

• “Whatever works for you, I’m easy” (Boundaries, people)

• Chasing likes and virality (Detaching my value from metrics)

• One-sided relationships (If it’s not reciprocal, it’s a no)

• Overconsumption (Just watched Buy Now! Ick.)

• Self-deception (The truth will set you free. But first, it’ll piss you off.)

• Ignoring my body’s symptoms (No more “It’s fine.” Go get checked.)

• Inner drill sergeant (Being kind > being productive)

• Passive-aggressive communication (Nope. That wasn’t okay.)

Even if you’re not a “9-ender,” today is a great day to reflect on where your energy is going. Right now is the best moment to create your own “what’s in/what’s out” list. Tape it to your bathroom mirror. Use it as a reminder to get honest with yourself about what you truly want.

Because here’s the thing: little you—with their big eyes and big dreams—still exists. They’re still cheering you on. They’re still waiting for you to go after what you want.

You’re not too old. You’re not asking for too much.

The truth is, when you stop lying to yourself and start living honestly, you might be surprised by what’s possible.

I’ll be writing more about all of this—here and in the book. For now, I want to thank my absolute dream team: my gold-star agent, Laura Lee Mattingly, my book doula bestie, Jessica Elefante, and my new partner in crime editor, Nina Rodriguez-Marty. Thank you for believing in me and this book.

Here’s to a year of magic, truth, and maybe even bangs.

All my love,
Maria

P.s. Here’s the link to the study if you’re interested in learning more.